The kids are in school so not them. And the aging dogs sleep most of the day. The cat does, too. So I guess my answer is nobody. There’s nobody around doing anything wrong. T.V.s aren’t blaring from empty rooms and I’ve made the rounds through the house to turn off all of the lights. I’ve closed toilet lids to spare the cat and turned off overworked fans in bathrooms now free of fog and permeating odors. The external silence is golden. Well, except for that annoying dog barking in a neighbor’s yard and an airplane passing overhead. Oh, and there’s also that predawn construction for the new neighborhood across the street and I think I hear a lawnmower or some engine in the distance.
Now, if only I could postpone the noise from that holiday 'To Do List' in my head. The one I share with my husband. "Now I know why women drink during the day!" he says, always lightening my dark mood. He’s right because a stiff drink is what I need. If only I had the time to kick back. Time is a limited commodity, unlike that clean water flowing down the drain while my husband scrubs his teeth, the whites of his knuckles showing as he fists his toothbrush. So I remind him again. “It’s not about how hard you brush.” I guess I really am that vilified nagging housewife. Oh, well. Who else is going to keep the family in order?
One of the ways that I tune out the noise in my head, sans alcohol, is by watching two back-to-back episodes of Family Feud in the evenings. The children play along. Sometimes I wonder if the show really is family T.V. based on who they poll and the answers given. Answers that are sometimes tweaked to sound more sexual. There was that male contestant who answered “whore” unflinchingly, in response to a question about a word for a man who dates a lot of women. I don’t want my kids thinking that’s an acceptable part of the everyday vernacular. Just because they know the words doesn’t mean I want them hearing them, too. Beware of reinforcements.
Gone are the days of one time host Richard Dawson’s televised sexual harassment, kissing strange women on the lips, while their husbands looked on. (Side note: I think he met his wife that way.) R.I.P. Ray Combs; farewell John O'Hurley to the world of dog shows; and Richard Karn is, well, forgettable. Welcome to the fairly new, if sometimes risqué, Feud with host Steve Harvey. His facial expressions and colorful ad-libbing injects humor to the humorless and makes the funny funnier. Here’s a question from a recent episode. Name a way that your husband is like a newborn. These are the top answers:
Suckles my nipples
Sleeps a lot